My baby boy. Today you turn one, and just like that, the memory of the past year floods my heart and I am overcome with a little sample of every feeling I have felt over the past 12 months. You are my source of joy, pride, motivation, and unconditional love. Like the sweetest cookie in jar, I crave you; your presence, your hugs, your laugh, and even your protests to the word no.
You and I have shared more tears together than anyone else in my life. From the tears I’ve sobbed outside your room during sleep training, to the tears brought on by the magical hugs you’ve given me during sad songs, your comforting coos during my postpartum darkness or your simple presence as I’ve grieved loss. I look at you and everything just melts away and I can’t help but be a bit weepy over how much I love you.
We’ve also shared countless laughs together. Silly dances, child like singing and weird monster voices I didn’t know I was capable of have all brought me unprecedented moments of simple joy. You arrived and brought with you a love and a sense of sheer happiness I had only read about or watched in movies. You are my happy ending.
In addition to all of this, you are also my main source of anxiety. I’m sorry but it’s true. I worry like I’ve never worried before. I constantly obsess over my own mortality. I question every decision I make. I only want to do what’s right, but I’m human and I know that it’s not possible to always be right. I’ll make mistakes. I’ll beat myself up for them. I have not yet learned to forgive myself easily.
Lucas you are my love and my light. My driving force. My greatest achievement and my legacy on this earth. You have brought more love and happiness into our home than I ever thought possible, and you have changed me and my perspective on life. I promise to always do my best to protect you and to do everything I can to foster and preserve this innate sweetness you harbour within you.
I will do my best to give you the perfect day today, and one day, when you’re older, I’ll tell you what I wished for when I blew out your birthday candle. Spoiler alert, it’s not a sibling.
Buon compleano amore mio. To many many MANY more.
Photos by Michelle Lina Photography